Napalm Riot

Right, so it's rather shit... but at the same time it's awesome... enjoy!


So I've spent about a week now trying to figure out what to write the first article about. I didn't want it to be too technical, because then you guys will most likely decide that you hate me, and use the column to line your birdcage. At the same time, I didn't want it to be too comedic, because then you wouldn't take anything I say seriously... on the fairly rare occasion that it can be. There's so many choices, and so little bandwidth on the school's internet connection. And then I thought about it, why not do something that everyone else is doing, it's PERFECT. Sheep eat repetitive nonsense for breakfast (no offense). So here it is, the rant, albeit slightly technical, but still mostly a rant, about the school's net connection. Hell, I might even throw in a few questions that I've heard around, with some fairly sarcastic answers to go with it. Now, just to clarify... I'm not really 100% sure what's wrong with it. Honestly... I really don't care, all I know is that it's something with the gigabit switch in the basement. I actually asked about that one. But I think the one kid said that it keeps timing out or something like that, I dunno. Essentially, that keeps timing out, causing the rest of the network, which is connected to it, to start screaming bloody murder as they've lost their connection. See, when you do that to a network, its a bit... like opening a huge trap door right in the middle of a crowded stadium (assuming the people aren't seriously injured of course) and watching them try to figure out what to do, while essentially being piled on top of each other. Not a great metaphor, I know... but it's really quite funny. Either way, the best way to fix this is to just wait. The system will sort itself out eventually, or be reset by the head IT dude. Whichever one, it'll happen, and you just have to be patient.

ALTERNATIVELY however, is the possibility of “solving” the problem yourself. Now, this is highly unrecommended... and technically impossible since nobody here has the means to do this. But essentially if you wanted to, and you had access to the switch, you could etherkill it. Which is essentially taking the 220V mains power, and plugging it directly into the network. Like I said, however, this is not recommended, and will most likely result in you injuring yourself, or killing yourself, blowing the network AND the breakers, and quite possibly starting a fire. If the first one, the injuring/killing, doesn't happen, then you can still bet on being booted out of the school relatively quickly, and probably arrested too. PROTIP: Blame it on somebody else. Remember to “liberate” CCTV cameras to record an old rerun of Monty Python. PROTIP 2: Don't... don't do it.

Here's a few questions that may, or may not, be related to this in any way shape or form:
Warning: The following questions and answers are in bastardised form, this means that they are NOT helpful, and NOT going to help in any way shape or form. If you believe them, then you deserve the horrible flaming death of your computer... and quite possibly yourself. DO NOT DO IT

1.Why isn't the internet working half of the time?
Yes, yes, I know I just covered this above, but for those too lazy or bored to read it, I've decided to provide a concise answer here, in bastard form of course. This is most likely caused due to a Replicated Decryption Corruption. As the internet connection is encrypted, the wireless that is, your computer will have to decrypt and re-encrypt data traveling to, and from, the computer. Unfortunately sometimes this gets corrupted, causing a failure in the encryption/decryption mechanisms, which will cause a “Local Only” error on Windows systems, and a lack of internet or any communication with other systems on Macs. This is replicated over and over by your computer which will continue to send false data to the router, which will essentially tell your computer to piss off. To remedy this, you will need to reset the encryption key regularly on the computer. To prevent this from being replicated again, it is recommended that you put your computer into anti-replication mode by removing all peripheral devices (keyboards, mouse, speakers, etc.) when the computer is not in use and placing them in a secure lead box, to prevent them from sending false signals to the computer. If this fails, then a strong magnet placed on the top of the computer, and another on the monitor (if separate) should displace any other electric signals being sent from the peripherals to the computer. If that fails, turn the computer off, and back on again.


2.My Programme [insert name here] Won't Install/Work
There are several problems that could cause a hardware/software fault like this. Most likely, however, it's caused by a Temporary Programming Incompatibility. This is a random error generated by dirty RAM memory. It causes random incompatibilities with your programmes by sending false signals from the RAM, or the Random Access Memory, which stores all active process data and such. Essentially the best way to solve this is to either WAIT, or to CLEAN your RAM. You need a very damp rag, and a 9 volt battery. First prepare a medium bowl of boiling water. Then place approximately .25 kilograms of salt into the water, and stir until dissolved. The salt will act as a cleaning agent, and remove any bad memory from the RAM. At this point, you will need to remove your RAM from your computer. You should know how to do this, but if not, just pop open the case, and yank out the long sticks of RAM (they're the flat ones, with microchips on them). If unsure, just yank out random pieces, they could probably use a cleaning anyway. Now take the RAM, or whatever you pulled out, and remove it carefully. DO NOT TOUCH ANY METAL, this will fry the RAM faster than you would believe. At this point, dip the RAM in the salty water, and place the battery in the water to catalyse the cleaning process. These should be left in the water for about 20 minutes to ensure that it is cleaned thoroughly. Then scrub with the wet rag. Then dry them thoroughly with felt cloth, gotta be gentle now, and felt is nice for that. If the RAM continues to give you problems, call the computer manufacturer and make sure to explain what you have done in excruciating detail. They may laugh, but it's only a sign of happiness for the extreme amount of computer knowledge that you have.

I'd like to continue, but I'm afraid that's all the time I have for today. Check back next week, and send your god damned questions in! pebkac@commuart.com! GO GO GO.